Expectations and compassion do not have to be opposites. After many years of working with children and young people, neurodivergence and trauma, I have actually started to think the opposite. Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is to adapt, support and understand – while still believing that the person in front of us can grow and take responsibility for their own life.
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I can walk beside you, but I cannot walk your path for you. When I see your back as you move forward, I know you are on your way towards your own life.
Expectations and compassion – understanding without removing all responsibility
I have worked with children and young people for many years. Children with ADHD, autism and other neurodevelopmental differences. Children with trauma. Children who have had a difficult time at home, at school or in life.
And one thing has become clearer to me over the years:
Understanding why something is difficult for someone is not the same as removing every expectation.
It is possible to be understanding and still say:
You need to try.
It is possible to make adaptations without giving up.
It is possible to meet someone calmly and respectfully while still expecting them to take responsibility for what they are actually capable of.
Sometimes I think we adults become so afraid of placing demands on someone that we end up making the child, young person or adult smaller than they really are.
We think that because there is a diagnosis, trauma or a difficult background, we must remove expectations completely.
But what are we really saying then?
Perhaps, without meaning to, we are saying:
I don’t think you can do this.
As a helper, I also need to dare to see the goal
And this is where I, as the person offering support, also have a responsibility.
If I am going to help someone, I need to have an expectation that they are capable of developing.
I need to be able to see beyond what is difficult right now.
I need to see the goal, even when the person themselves may not be able to see it yet.
That does not mean pushing someone beyond their limits or pretending that their difficulties do not exist.
Quite the opposite.
I need to understand those difficulties in order to help the person find a way around them, through them, or sometimes a better way to live with them.
But if I start from the belief that the person will not manage, there is a risk that I begin doing too much for them.
I lower the expectations.
I take over the responsibility.
And perhaps, without meaning to, I confirm:
No, you probably cannot manage this on your own.
For me, support needs to contain an expectation.
I believe you can move forward.
Maybe not today.
Maybe not in the same way as somebody else.
Maybe you need more support, more attempts and a completely different route.
But I still need to be able to see where we are going.
Expectations and compassion can begin with one very small step
To me, compassion is not about removing every obstacle from someone’s path.
Compassion can also mean standing beside someone and saying:
I know this is difficult. But I still believe you can take the next step.
The next step might be taking a shower.
Cleaning your room.
Going to school and trying to stay for the whole day.
Getting out of bed in the morning.
Arriving on time.
Making a plan for your money.
Or simply beginning with one small thing you have been putting off for far too long.
It can also mean allowing the person who has the problem to carry their own problem, while you remain beside them.
Not taking over.
Not solving everything.
But being there to help when help is needed.
Something like this:
Okay, this feels uncomfortable for you. I understand that. But sometimes life really is uncomfortable. We cannot always avoid everything that feels difficult.
And when you have finally done the thing that felt so hard, something has happened.
You did it.
You gained the experience of knowing that you actually can.
ADHD can explain why – but then we need to find out how
I watched Skavlan, where someone said that they are always late and connected it to their ADHD.
And yes, ADHD can absolutely make time perception more difficult. You may not have that automatic internal clock that other people seem to have.
But once you know that, the next question becomes:
What am I going to do about it?
The explanation helps me understand why something is difficult.
But it also needs to help me find strategies.
Maybe it is an alarm on your phone.
Several alarms.
A calendar.
Someone close to you who reminds you.
Starting to get ready much earlier than you think you need to.
The strategy can look different for different people.
The point is not to blame someone because time is difficult for them.
The point is to be able to say:
This is an area that is difficult for you. How can you take responsibility for it in a way that works for you?
Responsibility also exists in everyday life
The same applies in other areas.
If everywhere you spend time becomes messy and you know you are the person leaving things around, then you also need to take part in cleaning it up.
Finding it difficult to stay organised can be an explanation.
But the mess does not disappear because of that.
Money works in a similar way.
Imagine that you want to travel but you do not have much money to spare.
Then perhaps you need to cut back for a while and plan ahead for the trip.
Maybe you put part of your money aside.
Maybe you save a smaller amount each month.
The important thing is to start planning before the money is gone.
Borrowing money or asking for an advance does not really solve the problem. The money still has to be paid, either before or afterwards.
If you have a job, you also cannot live on salary advances every month because your money has already been spent.
Then you need a plan for how your money can last from one payday to the next.
Expectations and compassion need to be adapted to the individual
Of course, this does not mean that everybody has the same circumstances.
Trauma can make certain situations much harder.
ADHD can affect time perception, planning, impulse control and the ability to get started.
Autism can mean that changes, social demands, sensory input or unclear situations require far more energy.
Social difficulties can make things that other people take for granted much more demanding.
That is why expectations sometimes need to look different.
One person may need more reminders.
Another may need clearer structure.
Someone may need more time.
Someone may need help dividing a task into smaller steps.
And sometimes the expectation genuinely needs to be lowered because, at that particular moment, it is simply too much.
But adaptation is not the same thing as removing all responsibility.
For me, it is about trying to find the level at which the person can actually succeed and then allowing responsibility to grow from there.
I have written before that ADHD in everyday life is not always about willingness. I still stand by that.
A child who cannot get started, struggles with transitions or becomes overwhelmed does not have to be lazy or unwilling. Sometimes it really did become too difficult.
But to me, that does not mean the goal disappears.
Then we need to ask: What made it too difficult? What support is needed? Should the task be broken down? Is more time needed? Does the person need clearer structure?
And then we try again.
Understanding should help us find the way forward – not convince us that there is no way forward.
I cannot choose where I come from
I cannot choose where I come from.
I cannot choose everything that has happened to me.
I cannot always choose the difficulties I carry with me.
But with support and adaptations when they are needed, I can begin to take responsibility for where I am going.
The past can explain a great deal.
A diagnosis can explain a great deal.
Trauma can explain a great deal.
But an explanation does not have to become a sentence for the rest of your life.
Maybe I am also a tired helper
And perhaps this is where my own tiredness as a helper comes in.
For many years, I have helped people find strategies.
We have made plans.
Set reminders.
Broken tasks into smaller parts.
Adapted expectations.
Tried to find different routes when the first one did not work.
And sometimes I become tired when all that work still ends with:
I can’t do this. I have ADHD.
I can’t. I’m autistic.
It’s impossible because of my trauma.
I want to be very clear here.
These difficulties are real.
They can affect everyday life enormously.
They can make things that other people find simple much harder.
But if every strategy is rejected before it has even been given a chance, then we are not going anywhere.
A strategy may need to be changed.
It may not be the right one.
It may need to be simpler or clearer.
Perhaps more support is needed.
But somewhere there also needs to be a willingness to try.
And that is where I, as the helper, need to continue holding on to the goal.
Not in my way.
Not at my pace.
But with the belief that change is actually possible.
I can stand beside you – but I cannot live your life for you
I can help you find ten different routes.
I can stand beside you, think things through with you and help when you get stuck.
I can help you make the plan.
But you are the one who has to follow it.
I do not need to feel embarrassed if someone visits your home and everything is chaotic because you have not cleaned.
I do not need to go without my cheese because your money did not last until the end of the month.
I do not need to apologise for you when you arrive late.
Those are not my consequences to carry.
I can help you find strategies so that things can be different next time.
I can be beside you when things feel difficult.
But I cannot live your life for you.
Perhaps that is also a form of respect.
To say:
I actually believe that you can take responsibility for your own life.
I believe that your difficulties are real.
I believe that sometimes you need more support than other people.
But I also believe that you can grow.
And when something is difficult, I am happy to help you find a way forward.
Because a diagnosis, trauma or a difficult background can explain a great deal.
But an explanation does not have to become a sentence for the rest of your life.
I cannot choose where I come from.
But I can take responsibility for where I am going.
And if I am standing beside you as a helper, I need to dare to believe that you can get there.
🔗 Read more about ADHD, neurodivergence and responsibility
Would you like to read more about how expectations, adaptations and understanding can work together?
👉 The Oskar series – stories about children with neurodevelopmental differences at school
👉 ADHD in everyday life – when small things become big feelings
👉 Everyday life, responsibility and presence in family life
💭 Between the lines
Perhaps this is not really about being strict or being kind.
Perhaps it is about how we see other people.
If I believe that the person in front of me can grow, then I also need to dare to let them try.
I can help.
I can adapt.
I can hold their hand for a while.
But I should not take away their chance to discover for themselves:
I did it.
❓ Questions for you
How do you think about expectations and compassion – can they sometimes be the same thing?
Have you ever helped someone so much that afterwards you realised you may have taken over too much?
Or have you experienced someone believing in your ability when you did not quite believe in yourself?
Where do you draw the line between supporting someone and carrying their responsibility for them?
And what do you think about these words:
I cannot choose where I come from – but I can take responsibility for where I am going.
Feel free to leave a comment. I would be interested to hear how you see it.
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