CFT and attachment are the foundation of this post. Before we begin, however, I need to clarify something.
🇸🇪 Read the Swedish version here Vi vandrar mellan cirklarna
If you have followed my blog for a while, you may recognize my red, yellow, and green zones related to planning, time, and ADHD.
Those colours represent something entirely different.
In that system, green means there is plenty of time, yellow means it is time to start thinking about a task, and red means it needs to be done now.
The circles I am writing about here come instead from Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and attachment theory.
Here, the colours do not describe time or planning.
They describe different states of the nervous system.
These are therefore two completely different models that happen to use similar colours.
So when I write about green, blue, and red in this post, I am not talking about calendars, planning, or time management.
I am talking about safety, exploration, and the alarm system within us.
CFT and Attachment – We Move Between Circles
I do not believe that people live in just one circle.
Some of us, however, seem to end up in the red and blue circles more easily than others.
I do not mean that there is anything wrong with that.
But it is exhausting to always be on guard.
Just as exhausting as always feeling the need to perform in order to feel worthy.
We need opportunities to land softly.
We need permission to exist even when we are not achieving.
And not everyone wishes us harm simply because they look at us in a certain way, sound different from what we expected, or fail to respond as we hoped.
We often talk about safety as if it were a destination.
As if one day we arrive at calm and simply stay there.
Life does not seem to work that way.
Instead, we move.
Between safety and worry.
Between rest and activity.
Between closeness and distance.
Between what feels safe and what awakens something old within us.
Sometimes we wake up in green and go to bed in red.
Sometimes we begin the day in blue, full of ideas, creativity, and energy.
Then something happens.
A conversation.
A memory.
A conflict.
A glance.
And suddenly we are somewhere else.
Not because we have done anything wrong.
But because we are human.
What fascinates me about CFT and attachment is that they give language to things many people feel but struggle to describe.
CFT and Attachment – Why Do Some of Us Spend More Time in Red?
What I wonder about most is not why we end up in red.
But why some of us seem to live there more often than others.
Why some nervous systems always seem slightly on guard.
Why some people are so close to alarm.
Perhaps it is partly about what happened.
But perhaps it is also about what never happened.
Or what happened sometimes.
Or all the time.
This is where I begin to think about attachment.
The safety that was missing.
The words that were never spoken.
The reassurance that never came.
The feeling of having to manage on your own too early in life.
When we spend a long time in blue and red, it can begin to feel normal.
We become used to performing.
Used to being on the move.
Used to solving problems.
Used to being prepared.
So used to it that we almost forget to ask:
What Do I Need Right Now?
Not tomorrow.
Not when everything is finished.
Right now.
Perhaps I need to stop and pay attention.
Is this really about what is happening right now?
Or is something much older being awakened?
Perhaps it is an old injustice.
Perhaps it is the child inside me who was never allowed to be angry.
Perhaps it is the part of me that learned to be helpful, quiet, or well-behaved in order to belong.
And perhaps I do not need to step back this time.
Perhaps I need to stay.
Speak what feels true.
Set a boundary.
Dare to say:
”That does not feel okay to me.”
”You do not need to make me smaller in order to make yourself bigger.”
In the moment, that may feel like more red.
More discomfort.
More anxiety.
But sometimes that is exactly where the path toward green begins.
Not by becoming smaller.
But by slowly becoming more yourself.
Through CFT and attachment, we can begin to understand why certain situations trigger such strong emotions.
Mindfulness as a Compass in CFT and Attachment
For me, mindfulness has never been about emptying the mind.
Instead, it is about pausing long enough to notice which circle I am in.
And perhaps even more importantly:
To notice when I am leaving it.
When my body begins to tense.
When my breathing becomes shorter.
When irritation grows.
When my thoughts begin to race.
Not in order to stop it.
But in order to understand it.
When the Red Comes From Something Older
Sometimes the red does not come from what is happening today.
Sometimes it comes from something much older.
Then I begin to wonder how emotions were received when I was a child.
Was I helped to understand what was happening inside me?
Did I get to borrow someone else’s calm when my own was not enough?
Was I allowed to be angry?
Was I allowed to be sad?
Was I allowed to be afraid?
Or did I need to make myself smaller?
Quieter?
More capable?
Did I take responsibility for things that were never mine to carry?
Because sometimes we are not only reacting to the present.
Sometimes we are reacting from the nervous system we were shaped by while growing up.
The more I learn about CFT and attachment, the more curious I become about the way people react.
Where I Want to Land
This is where I want to land.
We do not need to judge ourselves for moving between circles.
But we can become curious about our movements.
What draws me toward green?
What pulls me toward red?
What helps me return to safety?
And what is my nervous system really trying to tell me?
Perhaps healing is not about never ending up in red.
Perhaps it is about understanding why we end up there.
And slowly finding our way back to ourselves, again and again.
🌿 Reflection – CFT and Attachment
Perhaps we are not here to remain in green all the time.
Perhaps we are here to learn the patterns of our own movements.
To notice when we are drawn toward red.
To understand why blue sometimes feels safer than rest.
To discover that what once helped us survive does not always help us live.
And perhaps compassion is exactly that:
Meeting yourself with curiosity instead of judgment.
Asking:
”What do I need right now?”
And then daring to listen to the answer.
AHA – Between the Lines
Sometimes healing is not about becoming someone else.
Sometimes it is about understanding why we became who we became.
When we understand our circles a little better, we can begin to choose our steps a little more freely.
Not because life becomes easy.
But because we slowly become safer in being ourselves.
How can we meet despite our differences?
Why do I react the way I do?
And if I understand that a little better, perhaps I can understand others a little better too.
I am less interested in who is right and more interested in what happens between people.
Because it is often there, in the space between people, that both the wounds and the healing exist.
🌿 Conversations and Compassion
Perhaps that is also why these questions fascinate me so much.
As a certified CFT therapist, I often meet people who are trying to understand their own reactions, emotions, and patterns.
What triggers red?
What helps us return to green?
What is really happening inside us when our emotions become bigger than the situation itself?
Often it is less about fixing people and more about understanding them.
Perhaps that is why I return so often to the nervous system, attachment, self-worth, and compassion here on the blog.
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”Yesterday has already come to rest in history. Tomorrow waits further ahead. But right now – this is where life happens.” ❤️
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