Can we feel worry and joy at the same time? I have been thinking about that a lot over the past few days. Because right now, both feelings live inside me.
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It is possible to have a beautiful day while carrying a great deal of worry.
I have felt that very clearly over the past few days.
My son is in hospital.
I am not going to tell you why or write about how he is doing. That is his story and his private life, and he deserves to keep it that way.
But I am his mother.
And I can write about how this feels for me.
When your child is in hospital
I don’t think it matters how old our children become.
When something happens to them, something awakens inside us.
I am worried.
I think about him many times throughout the day. I want to know how he is. I want him to get better. And somewhere inside me is that wish that I think many parents recognise:
If only there were something I could do.
At the same time, I know that he is in hospital. He is where he needs to be and is receiving the help he needs.
That gives me something to hold on to in the middle of my worry.
It doesn’t make the worry disappear.
But it gives me a little steadiness when my thoughts begin to run away with me.
Making Room for Worry and Joy
Yesterday, the family came over and we had a barbecue.
The grandchildren were here.
There was conversation, food and laughter.
It was a beautiful day.
And in the middle of everything that was good, my son was in my thoughts.
Not every second.
But he was there.
What feels strange is that I could also experience real joy.
I could laugh with my grandchildren and then find myself thinking about him again.
I could enjoy having the family together while at the same time wishing that everything would simply be all right.
Perhaps this is what life actually looks like sometimes.
The difficult things don’t wait until the good moments are over.
And the good moments don’t automatically disappear because something difficult has happened.
When worry and joy exist at the same time
I have been thinking about this.
Perhaps we sometimes believe that someone who is truly worried must also look worried all the time.
But that isn’t really how worry works for me.
I try to find out what I need to know. I keep my phone close. I think. I wait.
And then I do whatever is in front of me.
That doesn’t mean I care any less.
Perhaps it is simply my way of carrying something that I cannot change right now.
If I allowed worry to take over every minute, I would still be just as much his mother, and my son would still be in hospital.
So I need to try to make room for life alongside the worry.
Today, two of my grandchildren will have my time
I’m heading out early today.
Two of my grandchildren and I are going to Torp, where they will get to do some shopping.
I’m looking forward to it.
And there is that duality again.
I can look forward to spending the day with them while also hoping that my phone will bring good news about my son.
I am not going to choose between those feelings.
Both are allowed to come with me.
When I’m with my grandchildren, I want to try to be present with them.
When the worry comes, I will allow myself to feel it.
And when I laugh, I am not going to feel guilty about it.
Because my laughter does not change how much I love my son.
I am beginning to understand that worry and joy at the same time are not a contradiction. Perhaps that is simply what life looks like sometimes.
Between the lines
Perhaps this is one of the hardest things about being human.
We want our feelings to make sense and arrive one at a time.
But sometimes they don’t.
I can be a worried mother and a happy grandmother within the same hour.
I can long for good news while still enjoying the day that is happening around me.
I can carry worry and love, joy and hope, all at the same time.
And right now, I think that is allowed.
I don’t have to prove my worry by stopping my life.
I know it is there.
I know why it is there.
It is there because I love.
A few questions for you
Have you ever been through something difficult while life around you simply carried on as usual?
Have you been able to feel genuine joy in the middle of worry?
Have you ever felt guilty for that joy?
And how do you allow worry to be there without allowing it to take over your whole day?
Perhaps sometimes we need to remind each other that the heart really does have room for several feelings at once.
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We don’t have to have figured out our whole lives today. Sometimes it is enough to be present in the small part of life we are in right now.
Malix / Carina Ikonen Nilsson
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