Childhood-arkiv - Malix.se

When children grow up in the middle of conflict or strong emotions between adults, responsibility and guilt often land where they never belong — on the child’s shoulders.
This is my story about taking on adult responsibilities as a child, about insecure attachment, and about finding my adult voice again.

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Childhood Responsibilities That Were Never Mine

Children should be allowed to be children.
Not carry adult conflicts or worries. It really is that simple.

When a child feels that something is wrong, when voices rise or emotions fill the room, the child often believes it’s their job to fix everything.
If only they say the right thing, stay quiet, or behave perfectly — then peace will return.

A child’s heart finds simple solutions:

“If I’m good enough…”
“If I’m quiet enough…”
“If I can make everyone happy…”

But it was never the child’s responsibility.

Also read:
Children Do the Best They Can – Pain, Shame and Responsibility

When I Was Little — and Quiet for the Sake of Safety

My mother often shouted. Her voice settled into my body as a signal: stay silent, make yourself small.

Even now, I can feel that same wave of fear when someone raises their voice.
In an instant, I’m back in my childhood.

I remember once when my parents fought over a kitchen sink my father had given me. I was an adult, with children of my own, yet there I stood again — small, quiet, letting my mother’s voice fill the room.

I wish I’d had the voice I have today.
I would have said:

“This hurts me.
It hurts my children.
And I will not accept it.”

But the child in me believed silence was safety.

When the Child Still Lives Inside the Adult

It stays with you.
Even now, conflicts are hard for me.
When two people argue, I don’t know who to support. I try to mediate, to explain, to calm things down — as if it’s still my job to keep the world soft.

I say things like:

“Maybe the other person isn’t feeling well…”
“There’s probably a boundary here somewhere…”

And I forget about myself.

In heated moments, I don’t always know what I need.
My body reacts before my voice arrives.

Attachment – The Strategy I Learned

I did what children do:
I saved the relationship, even when it cost me myself.

What formed was avoidant-insecure attachment:

“If I just stay out of the way, everything will be fine.”

And a pleasing strategy:

“If everyone else is happy, I’m safe.”

It was the best survival skill I had as a child — and my body kept it long into adulthood.

If My Attachment Had Been Secure

If I had grown up with secure attachment, the adults would have taken care of their own feelings.
I would have been able to think:

“Mom is angry – but I’m safe.”

I wouldn’t have carried guilt that wasn’t mine.
I would have stayed a child and still known that love holds.

Secure attachment means being allowed to be a child
and to trust that adults take care of the grown-up things.

The Difference — A Simple Overview

Secure Attachment	Insecure Attachment (Avoidant/Pleasing)
The child feels safe even when an adult is angry	The child becomes scared and quiet to avoid danger
The child stays a child during conflict	The child tries to fix adult problems
Emotions are allowed and welcomed	The child hides or shuts down emotions
I am important	I must not be a burden
Adults take responsibility for their feelings	Children take responsibility for adults’ emotions

How Adults Can Give Children Security

A grandmother holding a child in a warm, safe embrace – a safe hug for children

I wish adults would stop and truly see the child’s reality.
That we take responsibility for what belongs to us — not what belongs to them.

We can create safety through small, powerful actions:

Say: “This isn’t your fault.”
Show: “I’m responsible for my feelings.”
Affirm: “It’s okay to feel that way.”
Prove that love holds even when life shakes.

And when we lose control — apologize.
Because children should never be the ones rescuing adults.

Today, I Am the Adult in My Own Life

I’m practicing saying:

“What do I need?”

I practice setting boundaries,
letting the child in me rest,
and being the adult in my own body.

Each time I succeed — something heals.

Every child needs safety.
And so does the child that still lives inside me.

My Truth Now

Children should be allowed to be children.
And I am allowed to be an adult now.

I cannot change the past,
but I can choose how I move forward.
I can repair backward by doing differently ahead.

Children should be allowed to laugh, play,
and feel safe — without being braver than the adults.

It’s us, the grown-ups, who must ensure that.

Carina Ikonen Nilsson taking a winter swim in the lake wearing a yellow hat – a moment of stillness and courage when grief knocks again. — Carina Ikonen Nilsson

Final Quote

Yesterday is history, and it’s in the present moment we can do something about that history —
so tomorrow becomes the result of what once hurt.
– Carina Ikonen Nilsson