The jealousy that kills love is often mistaken for care, when in truth it grows out of fear. When jealousy is allowed to take place in a relationship, everything shifts: the tone, the trust, the everyday moments, and eventually the very core of what was meant to be warm and free.
Here, I explore what jealousy really is, why it arises, why some people never feel it – and how both the person who experiences jealousy and the one who lives with a jealous partner can understand it and break its grip.
I weave in personal reflection, concrete examples, current research, strategies that actually work, and questions that help you recognize yourself along the way.
Read this post in Swedish ->Svartsjukan som tar död på kärleken
When jealousy begins to kill love – fear disguised as love
Jealousy is often portrayed as something romantic, as if it were proof that you love more when you become afraid.
But jealousy is never an expression of love.
It is an expression of fear.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear of being replaced.
Fear of not being as valuable as you hope you are in someone else’s world.
Jealousy often dresses itself in the language of concern:
“I just want to know.”
“I just want to understand.”
“I care.”
But beneath the surface there is always vulnerability – a body sounding the alarm, a nervous system trying to protect.
This is why jealousy so quickly finds a place outside itself to land.
It is easier to get angry than to be honest.
That is precisely why the jealousy that kills love so often begins as a small feeling that grows in silence.
Reflection on the jealousy that kills love – when fear replaces safety
A question for you, the reader:
When in your life has a small worry grown larger than the situation itself?
How would someone else have reacted?
My important thread – safety in practice
I think of that evening when we were on our way home, and a woman stopped us.
She spoke to my husband in that way people sometimes do after a few drinks – direct, confident, without filters.
Suddenly she told him he should stay with her.
As if I didn’t exist.
My husband responded calmly and naturally:
“I’m married, and my wife is right here.”
The woman looked at me and said:
“You can ignore the wife.”
And he replied, just as naturally as breathing:
“That will never happen.”
It went straight into me –
not as jealousy,
not as worry,
but as pure safety.
A confirmation of something larger than words:
that we know where we stand, even when someone else tests boundaries or tries to take space.
I didn’t need to get angry.
I didn’t need to feel threatened.
It just became warm.
Because that was love in action.
Safety in practice.
And that’s when it became so clear:
When love is safe, you don’t have to guard it. It carries itself.
I also felt proud.
That is my husband — the man who loves me.
Others see it too, the beauty in who he is.
When jealousy begins to kill love – how would someone else react?
Imagine someone saying to you:
“That was jealousy.”
Where does the feeling go then?
Toward the person who said it?
Toward your partner?
Or inward – to the place you rarely want to look?
Jealousy often places itself outside the self.
It is rare that someone says:
“I’m afraid I’m not enough.”
More often it becomes:
“Why did you talk to him?”
“Why did you laugh like that with her?”
But the feeling always begins inside.
When I see how the jealousy that kills love affects people, it becomes so clear how much of it actually springs from fear.
Why jealousy arises – layer by layer
Insecurity in self-worth
When you don’t believe you are enough, you look for signs that you can be replaced.
The smallest glance or comment can feel like a threat.
Past betrayals
The body remembers even when the mind forgets.
If you’ve been betrayed before, fear can awaken automatically, even in a safe relationship.
Norms and learned behaviour
If you grew up where love was mixed with control, jealousy becomes normalized, even when it harms.
Fear of loss
Sometimes jealousy isn’t about the relationship at all – but the panic of being alone.
Current research – woven in and understandable
✔ Jealousy is linked to self-esteem and attachment
Frontiers in Psychology (2022) describes low self-esteem, sensitivity to stress, and insecure attachment as clear risk factors.
✔ Secure attachment is the greatest protective factor
Researchers at Karolinska Institutet show that securely attached people react less to perceived threats.
✔ Jealousy triggers controlling behaviours
Studies show that emotional, cognitive, and behavioural jealousy often lead to monitoring, suspicion, and withdrawal.
✔ There is a lack of clinical methods
Karolinska notes that there is “almost a total absence” of treatments specifically targeting jealousy.
It tells us something important:
We talk too little about this.
Too little about the feelings beneath it.
Everyday examples – how jealousy can feel
• Someone compliments your partner. Your stomach tightens, not your heart.
• Your partner laughs with someone else – your body hears threat, not joy.
• A text message pings. You interpret tone, timing, and intention all at once.
Question:
What happens first in you – the thoughts, the body, or the worry?
A case story – when fear becomes visible
A woman told me she often withdrew when her partner received attention from others.
When she began writing down the situations, she saw a pattern:
She wasn’t afraid of losing him.
She was afraid she wasn’t as valuable as she thought he saw her.
When she dared to say it out loud to herself, everything changed.
The jealousy didn’t disappear – but the drama did.
She began asking:
“What is this feeling trying to show me?”
Why some people never feel jealousy
Some people simply don’t react with jealousy.
It doesn’t mean they don’t care.
It means they are secure.
They think:
“If someone chooses someone else over me, it says nothing about my worth.”
Their nervous system doesn’t interpret others’ appreciation as a threat.
Question:
What does safety look like for you in relationships?
When jealousy takes over – love can’t breathe
When the jealousy that kills love takes over everyday life
The dangerous part isn’t the feeling.
The dangerous part is when the feeling takes control.
When questions become interrogations.
When worry becomes control.
When closeness becomes monitoring.
When freedom becomes suspicion.
Love can’t breathe there.
When jealousy comes – what you can do
- Stay in your body (the three-breath method)
- Write the situation down
- The friend test – what would you say to a friend?
- Own the feeling – don’t accuse
- Work on self-worth
If you live with a jealous partner
- Set boundaries early
- Acknowledge the feeling – not the behaviour
- Keep being you
- See the difference between fear and power
- Seek help together
Questions for you
• Have you experienced jealousy in yourself or from someone else?
• What do you think the jealousy was really about?
• What are you afraid of losing when the feeling comes?
• Which situation in your life triggers the most insecurity?
• How would your relationships look if trust led more than fear?
• Where in you lives safety – and where does fear live?
Between the lines – my voice
This isn’t about judging.
It’s about the fragile, the human – where fear is strong and longing is larger than words.
About how small you can feel when someone else sees the beauty in the one you love.
But also about the strength in staying with yourself.
AHA – Between the lines
Safety doesn’t come from control.
It comes from self-worth.
When you stand in your own worth, you don’t need to guard love.
You can share it.
Gratitude often works as an anchor, something I wrote more about in Gratitude and Self-Healing – When Gratitude Finds Its Way Home.
Call-to-action – in your tone
If you want to talk more about this,
feel free to leave a comment.
Your words might help someone who sits with a feeling they don’t know how to handle.
There are more of us carrying this than we dare to say out loud.
Closing – your signature tone
Yesterday has already settled into history,
and tomorrow waits somewhere ahead.
But right now – in this moment –
you have the chance to understand yourself
and the one you love,
a little better.
It is here, in the now, that love can breathe again.
Carina Ikonen Nilsson
It is painful how often it is the jealousy that kills love that takes over, when what is really needed is safety and self-worth.
When love falls silent, the bench becomes empty.
Subscribe:
Support my writing:
And finally – your therapy line
As I write this, I am also shaping my therapy page.
I am taking on a small number of clients right now, at a gentle pace, so each session has room to breathe.
If you feel you want to continue the conversation — I am here.
You and I — we are only one conversation away.
