Etikett: Education

Oskar was safe at home, but the world outside was hard. At home he had routines and predictability, but in preschool and school he faced demands that clashed with his needs. This is a story about neurodivergence, about guilt – and about how small changes can make a big difference.

This post is part of the Oskar-series – NPF & school, where I share stories about everyday struggles and the school system.

Earlier I also wrote about daily mood, motivation and invisible support, showing how small things can shape an entire day.

Läs detta inlägg på engelska / Read this post in Swedish

Oskar – trygg hemma, men världen utanför var svår

Foreword

This is the story of Oskar – a child who found safety at home but met struggles outside. Through his journey, I want to show what life with neurodivergence can look like, how tiny details can matter, and how adult support can turn hopelessness into possibilities.

At home, he could be himself

Home was always calm and safe. There, Oskar dared to ask questions: which towel he should use, where he should sit at the table. He was allowed to eat his food in his own way – peas, carrots and sauce – without anyone forcing him to eat meat, cheese or something else.

He wanted his food arranged, each part separate. Carrots on top, sauce on the side, and peas in the middle. Then the plate looked like a green lawn of peas.

At home, everything was allowed. He could go to his room when guests came, and no one nagged. Most importantly, he knew what was expected of him – and that gave him security.

NPF fact: For many children with neurodivergence, predictability creates safety. Small details – like the order of food or which towel is “right” – can be crucial to keep the day from feeling chaotic.

Question for you as a reader: Can you remember something from your own childhood that made you feel safe in the same way?

When everything changed

It was when he started preschool that everything fell apart. Suddenly there was circle time – everyone had to sit still. You couldn’t talk whenever you wanted, and some children pushed him around.

Because Oskar disliked being touched by others, it often ended in fights. Afterwards, he always felt the adults thought it was his fault.

What if it had been different:
An adult could have sat next to him and said:
– You can sit here, it’s enough if you listen for a little while. If you want to draw while we talk, that’s fine too.

NPF fact: Demands for sitting still, group play and constant social interaction can be overwhelming for children with neurodivergence. When boundaries are crossed – like being touched – emotions can easily take over and situations escalate.

Reader question: How do you think it feels to be in an environment where the rules never fit your needs?

The schoolyard

During recess at school, no one wanted to play with Oskar. That didn’t bother him much, because he didn’t really want to be with the others either. But sometimes they teased him, and then he got angry and roared like a lion.

That only made things worse – because after that, they teased him even more.

Some teachers therefore thought he just needed to pull himself together:
– You shouldn’t roar like a lion. That’s why they tease you.

What if it had been different:
An adult could have stepped in and said:
– I hear that you’re angry. Do you want to take a break outside and then come back?

Or when the children started teasing:
– You know, Oskar is great at details. Do you want him to show you how to build the tallest fort?

NPF fact: For many children with neurodivergence, recess is the hardest time. There is little adult support, and it becomes clear that social interaction is not always obvious. Sometimes feelings grow too big, and roaring can feel like the only defense.

Reader question: Have you ever seen a child being teased and wished an adult had stepped in in a better way?

In the classroom

Lessons were difficult. He didn’t understand why he should write the same number over and over again on an entire sheet of paper. At the same time, he couldn’t understand why he had to learn English. He lived in Sweden – why in the world would he need to speak English?

What if it had been different:
A teacher could have explained:
– We practice writing numbers to help your hand and brain work together. But you can also draw them into patterns – do you want to try?

NPF fact: Children with neurodivergence often need to understand why something matters in order to find motivation. Tasks without clear meaning can quickly feel pointless – and frustration takes over.

“Pull yourself together”

At school, he often heard comments like:
– You just need to pull yourself together. Stop that, or you’ll never learn.

Therefore, it always felt like everything was his fault.

But what he really needed to hear was something else:
– I see you. I know this is hard. We’ll find a solution together.

NPF fact: Many children with neurodivergence hear these exact words: “Pull yourself together.” But for a child who is already struggling, they are not helpful – only more proof that they are not good enough.

Oskar hated school

In the end, Oskar hated school. But “in the end” came quickly. After just a few weeks in first grade, the feeling grew. After the summer break between first and second grade, it got even worse. Already by the second week of year two, it felt like the misery would never end.

Other children teased, Oskar got angry, and adults corrected him.

Mom grew tired

Life felt unfair. Mom was tired after work – but also tired from all the calls from school. Every time the phone rang and the teacher told what Oskar had done, he felt a wave of guilt.

He began to believe it was his fault that mom was so tired. After all, he was the difficult one.

What if it had been different:
When the school called, they could have said:
– Oskar had a tough day, but we found a solution together. In fact, he managed to tie his shoes by himself today after we practiced together.

That day, he didn’t just tie his shoes. He also tied a knot of feeling seen.

NPF fact: When a child struggles in school, the whole family is affected. Meetings, phone calls and constant worry become daily life for parents – and the child often feels the guilt long before anyone says it aloud.

Reader question: Have you experienced how a child’s struggle in school affects the whole family?

The journey does not end here

But Oskar’s journey doesn’t end here. School continued to demand more – and the question became how both he and the adults around him could find ways forward. It is in those meetings, between the child’s needs and the school’s world, that the next part of the story begins.

Do you want to read more of Oskar’s story? Visit the Oskar -series hub – NPF & school where all the posts are gathered.

Reflection

Seeing Oskar is not about changing him – but about changing the conditions around him. Small adjustments, a different choice of words, or a single moment of understanding can mean the difference between hopelessness and hope.

AHA – Between the Lines

Between the lines of Oskar’s story lies a longing: to be enough just as he is. This is something many children carry – and something we adults can meet, if we choose to see it.

FAQ – Oskar, NPF and School

What does NPF mean?
NPF stands for neuropsychiatric functional variations, such as ADHD and autism.

Why did Oskar react so strongly to small things?
For children with NPF, routines and details are crucial for safety. When something changes, it often feels like the whole world falls apart.

What could the school have done differently?
Small adjustments, clear explanations, and adults who see the child can make all the difference.

Is it common for children with NPF to feel guilt?
Yes, many children take responsibility when adults are tired or frustrated – even though it is not their fault. But this is not only true for children with NPF. Many children without diagnoses also feel responsible when something goes wrong or when parents argue.

How can you support a child like Oskar?
By seeing their strengths, offering alternatives, and creating motivating circumstances. Above all, by showing that the child is enough as they are. But first and foremost, it is about building relationships – and that is important for all children, not only those with NPF.

“Yesterday has already settled into history, tomorrow is waiting further ahead. But right now – this is where life happens.”/ Carina Ikonen Nilsson

Support & Subscribe

Subscribe here – and get new posts straight to your inbox.
Support my writing via PayPal

Oskar Series – Meeting Children with Neurodevelopmental Differences in School

Av Carina Ikonen Nilsson

den 12 augusti 2025

i ADHD och neurodivergens, År inlägg 2025, Oskar-serien – NPF & Skola

The Oskar Series – Meeting Children with Neurodevelopmental Differences in School
In the Oskar Series, you’ll step into school life through the eyes of a child with NDDs – autism and ADHD. These posts blend reflections, real-life examples and thoughts on how we can create schools where every child is allowed to thrive, rather than being forced into a mold.

Read this in Swedish → The Oskar Series – Meeting Children with Neurodevelopmental Differences in School

Welcome to the Oskar Series. Here, you will meet Oskar – a boy whose everyday school life reveals both the strengths and the challenges that can come with neurodevelopmental differences such as autism and ADHD.

This series blends personal reflections, concrete examples, and thoughts on how we can create school environments where every child has the chance to thrive.

One of my own pencil drawings is included here. To me, it symbolizes how a child might sometimes withdraw when the world becomes too overwhelming. In the Oskar Series, I want to show that behind every silence, there is a story we need to hear – and take seriously.

Blyertsteckning av en flicka som sitter ihopkrupen med armarna runt benen, en bild som uttrycker inneslutenhet, sårbarhet och behov av trygghet." — En av mina egna blyertsteckningar – för mig symboliserar den hur ett barn kan dra sig undan när världen blir för mycket. I Oskar-serien vill jag visa att bakom varje tystnad finns en berättelse vi behöver lyssna på

Bring a warm cup of your favourite drink and keep me company over the next few days as I write about the topic of autism.
Let’s move forward – with understanding, curiosity, and respect for all the children and young people who don’t quite fit into the mould that society so often tries to press them into. Their value and unique way of being don’t disappear because they don’t fit a ready-made form – in fact, that’s exactly where their strength lies.

Why the Oskar Series?

Children like Oskar often carry remarkable strengths – attention to detail, honesty, perseverance, deep special interests, and a unique ability to think outside the box. At the same time, there are also challenges, and it is important to understand them:

Sensory Sensitivity

Sounds, lights, smells, and touch can all become overwhelming. It can even come down to the difference between spaghetti and macaroni. You might not see that difference, but someone with autism knows exactly.

It can be about shape, texture, how it feels in the mouth, or even how it behaves when you chew.

Selective eating is also common and can vary, but it often means sticking to a small number of foods that feel safe and work from a sensory perspective. This isn’t about being picky – certain tastes, textures, or temperatures can actually feel unpleasant, sometimes even unbearable.

Social Interaction

It can be harder to interpret body language, small talk, and all those unwritten rules most people take for granted. For someone with autism, every situation is new. Yesterday is not the same as today – even if it might seem that way to you.

What worked yesterday might feel completely unfamiliar today, depending on how the day began, how much energy they have, and how many sensory impressions have already filled their mind.

Humor can also be a challenge. When a classmate makes a joke, the child with autism might not automatically laugh. Understanding jokes and irony is often something that needs to be learned – like a language within a language.

And when the child tells a funny story themselves, it might sometimes be borrowed from a comedian, where the audience laughed loudly. That’s how the child learned that here, at this pause, is when you’re “supposed” to laugh.

This isn’t about a lack of humor – it’s about the fact that humor, like body language and social codes, doesn’t always come naturally. It often needs to be built step by step, just like learning to read or ride a bike.

Need for Routines

Changes can create worry or stress. Routines act as small anchors of safety in everyday life, helping to bring order to a world that can otherwise feel unpredictable.

If you’ve said there are five math problems to solve before break, then it’s exactly five math problems – no more, no less. Once they’re done, it’s break time, full stop. The fact that there are still five minutes left in the lesson doesn’t matter. In the child’s mind, the rule is clear and doesn’t change.

Or take another example: if teeth are always brushed after breakfast, but today there’s no time for breakfast – then brushing teeth might feel completely wrong. In the child’s logic, the two actions belong together. No breakfast = no toothbrushing.

To others, this might seem unimportant, but for the child it’s a break in the order that provides safety. It’s not stubbornness for the sake of being stubborn – it’s a way of keeping the world understandable and manageable.

Varying Day-to-Day Energy

Energy levels can shift from day to day, and sometimes even from hour to hour. What drains that energy can be completely different – and I want to write this in big letters because it matters: DIFFERENT for everyone.

One thing that’s fairly common, though, is that children with autism may have difficulty sleeping. And perhaps that’s the only similarity in this section – because otherwise, everything is highly individual.

Energy can drain away like sand through an hourglass, sometimes after what you might think is just a small effort. It might be enough just to get up and get dressed – and then the energy is already gone.

For the child, it’s not just a matter of “getting going again.” It’s as if the battery is already drained and needs recharging, sometimes for a long time.

Misunderstandings

Adults can sometimes judge the child based on a “template” instead of meeting them for who they truly are.

By “template,” I mean the expectations and mental images we carry about how a child “should” function, develop, and react – based on our experiences with other children. That invisible frame we compare to, often without even realising it.

We humans gather experiences and use them to interpret the next situation. Sometimes this is helpful – but with children who have autism, it can be completely wrong. The template doesn’t take into account that every child is unique, with their own mix of strengths, challenges, interests, and needs.

I remember sitting in a school meeting once. The teacher said:
“We’ve had many students with autism in this school who have done well. It’s just your child who…”

The sentence stopped there – but I heard the rest anyway. The words already spoken told the whole story.

That’s the template right there – looking at my child through the lens of other people’s achievements instead of asking: What does your child need to feel good and succeed here?

Differences from ADHD

Energy levels and the need for variation can look completely different, even though some challenges overlap.

A person with autism will often appreciate – and sometimes need – clear step-by-step instructions: 1, 2, 3 – and will follow them to the letter. This can be a strength, offering structure and a sense of safety.

A person with ADHD, on the other hand, might be satisfied with just hearing the summary or the “headline,” getting the idea of the task, and then rushing off to do it – often with more spontaneity, but also with a greater risk of missing details along the way.

We’ve seen this difference many times at home. In the past, when we bought furniture from IKEA, we’d simply unpack it and start assembling – going mostly by feel. Sometimes we’d have to start over.

Now we do it differently. We hand the instructions to our son. He genuinely loves them – not a single point is missed, not a single step skipped. It’s almost as if he and the manual speak the same language.

The same goes for my kitchen machines and anything else with a manual. When he reads and explains the instructions to me, I get it right straight away.

This difference isn’t about one way being better than the other – it’s about how the brain works differently. Someone who follows instructions carefully can deliver precision and accuracy. Someone who jumps straight in can bring creativity and quick problem-solving.

But it’s important to understand these differences in order to give the right support and set the right expectations.

Why the Oskar Series Exists

To show that we can meet children in ways other than trying to shape them so that they fit into a pre-made mould.

The Series in Order

Part 1: Autism – Understanding and Strengths
Part 2: Does Oskar Really Have to Learn to Tie His Shoes?
Part 3: Motivating Circumstances and Invisible Support

Between the Lines

This is more than the story of a child. It’s a mirror showing how we adults create environments where some children can thrive while others are forced to struggle to fit in.

The Oskar Series is a reminder that every time we choose to see the child in front of us – instead of our image of what a child “should” be – we open a door. Not just for them, but for ourselves.

Reflection

Every child carries something unique. As adults, we can choose to see it, understand it, and give it room to grow. But we must also resist the temptation to press it into a form where it risks withering.

Yesterday has settled into history, tomorrow waits further ahead. Right now – this is where life happens. – Carina Ikonen Nilsson

My name is Carina, and I have, for many years, had the privilege of getting to know children and young people who may not always have fitted into the moulds of school or society.

In my work – and in life – I have seen how important it is to listen, to understand, and sometimes just to sit beside them without trying to fix everything.

I write the Oskar Series to share what I have seen, felt, and learned. To remind us that behind every glance, every silence, and every outburst, there is a story. And because I believe that we all, if we dare to see, can be that safe point that makes a difference.

FAQ – English (Oskar Series Part 1)

What is the Oskar Series?
The Oskar Series is a collection of stories and reflections about children with NDDs such as autism and ADHD. It highlights both strengths and challenges – and explores how we can create schools where every child can thrive.

What strengths do children with autism often have?
Many children with autism show unique strengths such as attention to detail, honesty, perseverance, deep interests, and a way of thinking outside the box that often leads to creative solutions.

What challenges can children with autism face in school?
They may struggle with sensory sensitivity (sounds, lights, food), social interaction, need for routines, varying daily energy levels, and misunderstandings from adults.

How is autism different from ADHD?
Children with autism often prefer clear step-by-step instructions and follow them precisely. Children with ADHD, however, may jump into tasks more spontaneously but risk missing details. Both ways have strengths – but they require different kinds of support.

Why do you write about Oskar?
To show that children should not be forced into a ready-made mold. By meeting each child as an individual, we can open doors to growth, confidence and belonging.

Support my writing:
If you enjoy my work and would like to support what I do, you can contribute via PayPal here:
Support via PayPa

Read this in Swedish → The Oskar Series – Meeting Children with Neurodevelopmental Differences in School

Subscribe:
Would you like to get the next part of the series directly to your email?
Subscribe here → https://wordpress.com/reader/site/subscription/72932311