Safety at home-arkiv

Oskar was safe at home, but the world outside was hard. At home he had routines and predictability, but in preschool and school he faced demands that clashed with his needs. This is a story about neurodivergence, about guilt – and about how small changes can make a big difference.

This post is part of the Oskar-series – NPF & school, where I share stories about everyday struggles and the school system.

Earlier I also wrote about daily mood, motivation and invisible support, showing how small things can shape an entire day.

Läs detta inlägg på engelska / Read this post in Swedish

Oskar – trygg hemma, men världen utanför var svår

Foreword

This is the story of Oskar – a child who found safety at home but met struggles outside. Through his journey, I want to show what life with neurodivergence can look like, how tiny details can matter, and how adult support can turn hopelessness into possibilities.

At home, he could be himself

Home was always calm and safe. There, Oskar dared to ask questions: which towel he should use, where he should sit at the table. He was allowed to eat his food in his own way – peas, carrots and sauce – without anyone forcing him to eat meat, cheese or something else.

He wanted his food arranged, each part separate. Carrots on top, sauce on the side, and peas in the middle. Then the plate looked like a green lawn of peas.

At home, everything was allowed. He could go to his room when guests came, and no one nagged. Most importantly, he knew what was expected of him – and that gave him security.

NPF fact: For many children with neurodivergence, predictability creates safety. Small details – like the order of food or which towel is “right” – can be crucial to keep the day from feeling chaotic.

Question for you as a reader: Can you remember something from your own childhood that made you feel safe in the same way?

When everything changed

It was when he started preschool that everything fell apart. Suddenly there was circle time – everyone had to sit still. You couldn’t talk whenever you wanted, and some children pushed him around.

Because Oskar disliked being touched by others, it often ended in fights. Afterwards, he always felt the adults thought it was his fault.

What if it had been different:
An adult could have sat next to him and said:
– You can sit here, it’s enough if you listen for a little while. If you want to draw while we talk, that’s fine too.

NPF fact: Demands for sitting still, group play and constant social interaction can be overwhelming for children with neurodivergence. When boundaries are crossed – like being touched – emotions can easily take over and situations escalate.

Reader question: How do you think it feels to be in an environment where the rules never fit your needs?

The schoolyard

During recess at school, no one wanted to play with Oskar. That didn’t bother him much, because he didn’t really want to be with the others either. But sometimes they teased him, and then he got angry and roared like a lion.

That only made things worse – because after that, they teased him even more.

Some teachers therefore thought he just needed to pull himself together:
– You shouldn’t roar like a lion. That’s why they tease you.

What if it had been different:
An adult could have stepped in and said:
– I hear that you’re angry. Do you want to take a break outside and then come back?

Or when the children started teasing:
– You know, Oskar is great at details. Do you want him to show you how to build the tallest fort?

NPF fact: For many children with neurodivergence, recess is the hardest time. There is little adult support, and it becomes clear that social interaction is not always obvious. Sometimes feelings grow too big, and roaring can feel like the only defense.

Reader question: Have you ever seen a child being teased and wished an adult had stepped in in a better way?

In the classroom

Lessons were difficult. He didn’t understand why he should write the same number over and over again on an entire sheet of paper. At the same time, he couldn’t understand why he had to learn English. He lived in Sweden – why in the world would he need to speak English?

What if it had been different:
A teacher could have explained:
– We practice writing numbers to help your hand and brain work together. But you can also draw them into patterns – do you want to try?

NPF fact: Children with neurodivergence often need to understand why something matters in order to find motivation. Tasks without clear meaning can quickly feel pointless – and frustration takes over.

“Pull yourself together”

At school, he often heard comments like:
– You just need to pull yourself together. Stop that, or you’ll never learn.

Therefore, it always felt like everything was his fault.

But what he really needed to hear was something else:
– I see you. I know this is hard. We’ll find a solution together.

NPF fact: Many children with neurodivergence hear these exact words: “Pull yourself together.” But for a child who is already struggling, they are not helpful – only more proof that they are not good enough.

Oskar hated school

In the end, Oskar hated school. But “in the end” came quickly. After just a few weeks in first grade, the feeling grew. After the summer break between first and second grade, it got even worse. Already by the second week of year two, it felt like the misery would never end.

Other children teased, Oskar got angry, and adults corrected him.

Mom grew tired

Life felt unfair. Mom was tired after work – but also tired from all the calls from school. Every time the phone rang and the teacher told what Oskar had done, he felt a wave of guilt.

He began to believe it was his fault that mom was so tired. After all, he was the difficult one.

What if it had been different:
When the school called, they could have said:
– Oskar had a tough day, but we found a solution together. In fact, he managed to tie his shoes by himself today after we practiced together.

That day, he didn’t just tie his shoes. He also tied a knot of feeling seen.

NPF fact: When a child struggles in school, the whole family is affected. Meetings, phone calls and constant worry become daily life for parents – and the child often feels the guilt long before anyone says it aloud.

Reader question: Have you experienced how a child’s struggle in school affects the whole family?

The journey does not end here

But Oskar’s journey doesn’t end here. School continued to demand more – and the question became how both he and the adults around him could find ways forward. It is in those meetings, between the child’s needs and the school’s world, that the next part of the story begins.

Do you want to read more of Oskar’s story? Visit the Oskar -series hub – NPF & school where all the posts are gathered.

Reflection

Seeing Oskar is not about changing him – but about changing the conditions around him. Small adjustments, a different choice of words, or a single moment of understanding can mean the difference between hopelessness and hope.

AHA – Between the Lines

Between the lines of Oskar’s story lies a longing: to be enough just as he is. This is something many children carry – and something we adults can meet, if we choose to see it.

FAQ – Oskar, NPF and School

What does NPF mean?
NPF stands for neuropsychiatric functional variations, such as ADHD and autism.

Why did Oskar react so strongly to small things?
For children with NPF, routines and details are crucial for safety. When something changes, it often feels like the whole world falls apart.

What could the school have done differently?
Small adjustments, clear explanations, and adults who see the child can make all the difference.

Is it common for children with NPF to feel guilt?
Yes, many children take responsibility when adults are tired or frustrated – even though it is not their fault. But this is not only true for children with NPF. Many children without diagnoses also feel responsible when something goes wrong or when parents argue.

How can you support a child like Oskar?
By seeing their strengths, offering alternatives, and creating motivating circumstances. Above all, by showing that the child is enough as they are. But first and foremost, it is about building relationships – and that is important for all children, not only those with NPF.