Anxiety about taxes is something that creeps in for me every year already in February.
✨ Foreword
Here I am, sitting with my coffee, thinking about the word perfect.
What does it really mean? It is definitely not anxiety about taxes.
🇸🇪 Läs på svenska Ångesten inför deklarationen – och lättnaden jag inte trodde på
🌿 Perfect on the Outside – Empty on the Inside?
To me, perfect is when there are no mistakes.
When emotions are calm and everything shines a little extra on the outside.
But the inside can be empty.
A perfect world… people would be like robots.
Step by step, nothing would go wrong.
What would that world look like?
No reflections.
No “I’m sorry.”
No “I understand you.”
I think life would be outstanding in its own way.
But also empty and dull.
Nothing to laugh at.
Nothing to cry over.
No feeling.
💭 Thoughts That Want Something
Hm… what is going on in my head right now?
Are these thoughts a way of defending myself and my life, where nothing is really that perfect?
Here, the kitchen counter is sometimes full of crumbs.
Here, weeds grow in the garden.
Here, I cry sometimes.
And sometimes I laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
🌱 Being Human – Not Perfect
Maybe this is what it really is…
to stay standing, even when the wind blows.
Deep roots can withstand even the storms we think will break us.
I’ve realized that I will never be perfect.
Do I even want to be?
No… I don’t think so.
But right now, for a few days, life has been running on low power.
Even though the garden has been part of my days.
I’ve drained my battery.
It’s empty.
My body is on low mode.
My emotions are close to the surface.
And sometimes I have to step back…
so I don’t become the worst version of myself in the moment.
It’s hard when the energy isn’t there.
📄 Anxiety About Taxes – When It Moves In Around February
When the talk about taxes begins and anxiety about taxes starts creeping in…
I feel anxious.
I procrastinate everything that needs to be done.
I wait until the last moment, knowing the wave will come.
When the papers finally lie there – in a pile, but in complete disorder –
that’s when I go to the accountant.
My old accountant… the kindest person I know.
He understands my feelings.
He knows how I work.
Now I have his daughter.
She chose the same profession as her father.
⏳ The Day It Matters – And the Anxiety Takes Over
Yesterday was the day.
At 1 PM I had to be there.
All morning I thought:
“I can just do something small in the garden…”
But having a set time and doing “just a little”…
doesn’t really work in my world.
I’ve written more about that here:
👉 https://malix.se/05/att-passa-tider-med-adhd-nar-en-revisor-och-partiledardebatt-krockar-i-hjarnan/15/31/36/
Starting and finishing are not my strengths.
So I sat still.
Checked my phone.
Read emails.
Drank coffee.
Inside. Outside. Front yard.
🌿 Weeds and Distractions
Then I thought of something:
I could spray the weeds between the stones.
A task.
In the carport I found two old sprayers.
One with Roundup… or however you spell it.
It had been standing there for years.
It didn’t work.
Not surprising.
I had seen on TikTok that you could use vinegar and dish soap.
But no… I didn’t want to sit in the hammock with that smell.
So I filled it with water.
But it still smelled like vinegar.
The second bottle worked.
I pumped it up and walked around the garden.
Spraying.
Breathing.
Thinking:
I wonder if this will work…
Here, I felt good.
Eco-friendly.
Natural.
And the task was done.
But the time… was still there.
😔 The Anxiety
The anxiety…
Maybe it’s not my friend,
but it lives there.
I felt it gnawing.
Hurting me.
The drive to the accountant – uncomfortable.
The waiting – a collapse.
💛 And Then It Turns
Once there…
My old accountant comes up to me:
“Are you worried?
You know I’m here. It’ll be fine.”
So simple.
So kind.
So important.
When everything was done, my current accountant said:
“It’s all finished. You’ll get money back.”
What?
I thought I would owe money.
Maybe four thousand.
But the number she said…
I had to hear it again.
It was so much bigger.
☁️ The Relief
I drove home on pink clouds.
The anxiety I had carried since February – gone.
Life felt… easy.
I made dinner.
My husband came home and started washing the motorhome.
I stood there with the hose, rinsing.
And the evening became… just an evening.
🌿 The Insight
Two months of anxiety…
gone in half an hour.
When will I learn that papers are not dangerous?
That I actually have control?
That the worst fears are often just…
trolls?
And that trolls…
don’t really exist.
It’s strange how that anxiety comes back every year during tax season.
Maybe it’s a learned fear – something I’ve carried for a long time.
Maybe it was already there when I was a child.
When my parents sat with papers spread across the table.
I remember my dad’s friend coming over to help.
And we weren’t allowed to disturb.
It was serious.
Quiet.
And something that felt… important and a little frightening.
Maybe that’s where it comes from.
💬 A Question for You
What does perfect mean to you?
And what happens if you let go of it – just a little?
🌱 Between the Lines – Anxiety About Taxes
This is not a text about taxes.
It’s a text about being human.
About carrying worry longer than we need to.
And still getting through it.
Not perfect.
But alive.
✨ Reflection – Anxiety About Taxes
Maybe perfection isn’t what we should strive for.
Maybe it’s about staying in what is –
even when it feels uncomfortable.
Because that’s where life happens.
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Yesterday has already come to rest in history,
tomorrow is waiting further ahead.
But right now –
this is where life happens. 💛
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